Dear Roger Ebert,
I have respected you as film critic for many years now. I used to buy your Movie Yearbook every year and read pretty much every review, but since Al Gore invented the internet I find it much more convenient to access your archives via the search engine on your site, www.rogerebert.com. Something about reading your reviews is soothing to me. Maybe it is your tone, your hints of knowing superiority, your I-don't-give-a-shit-what-other-people-think attitude, or a quality that's completely elusive to the human mind. Whatever the reason, I find a comfort in reading your words, even though I disagree with you an estimated 18.3% of the time.
I want to say I am very sorry about all of your health troubles of late. I find it a tragedy that a man with so much to say should lose his voice. I can only rejoice that your preferred medium of criticism is the written word and not the spoken one. I hope you live a long and fulfilling life. However, before you get on with your long and assuredly fulfilling life, I would like you to consider taking on a project somewhat different from though not unrelated to your typical critic's work (not to say your work is typical. If anyone could take criticism to an art, it would be you). I would like you to review my life as if it were a movie. Yes, this is the depth of my self-absorption.
I often review my own life as if it were a movie, but I find that I lack objectivity and am prone bursts of self-loathing/self-congratulations that make it impossible to know if my reviews are accurate or not.
Here is what I propose: you and Chaz fly down to Georgia for a few weeks. You follow me around as I live my life in typical fashion, all the while taking notes and making inward observations for later use in the official review. You would probably need to stay at a hotel as I don't think my couch would be at all comfortable for you or up to your usual standards. Plus, my roommates are moving out soon and there might be a lot of coming and going of furniture. In your review you might include, but should not be limited to, critiques of my personality, relationship advice, thoughts on my intelligence, a scolding of my unsuccessful working life, encouragements on how you know how much better I can be, learned references to other literary/film/historical characters whose lives or incidences in them mirror my own, and if you like, a fair review of my level of prettiness
The observation period would end whenever you felt you had a good grasp on the entirety of my life as it is now and are ready to write the review. It need not be any longer than an average to long review of yours and should read as if my life were actually a movie. For example, feel free to refer to me as "our heroine" or "the central figure in the plot". Also, please go ahead and post the review on your website. Although I don't want my life to actually be made into a movie starring whoever, I would like it if my ACTUAL life were regarded by all of your readers as a movie, thus allowing them to comment on your review of it. The only drawback is that, since no one else besides you, me, and the people who know me will have seen this "movie" you'd be writing to a very small audience and a lot of confused readers who would spend hours Googling "the life of jenny winchell" to no avail. There's just nothing I can do about this as I'm not willing to give all of your readers the same privilege of examining my life as I'd give to you.
After all is written and posted I will be free to read the review at my leisure, probably at home by myself to avoid embarrassment. I will then gain significant insight from your thoughtful and well-placed words and will no doubt then be able to alter my life in just the right amount of ways to assure as much happiness in the finite amount of time I have on this earth as possible.
If you are interested in this unique opportunity, which might make a good book, please respond to this blog post so we can arrange the details.
Thank you for your consideration.
PS I will not be able to pay any of your expenses. I'm sorry for any inconvenience.
PPS I disagreed with your review of the movie "Kick Ass". I rather liked it. Please do not let this influence your decision.